1. What's your name: Severus Snape
2. What do you wish your name
was instead: I am
indifferent to my name, though grateful that I do not have a lisp.
3. How are
you: depends whose
asking
4. Would you ever eat sushi? If it’s served.
5. Would you ever eat sushi off
a naked body? Who says I
haven’t already?
6. Have you considered
homosexuality? Considered
it? No. I’ve always known I am gay.
7. What's your sexual
preference? Male. Hence the word ‘gay’ in the previous
question.
8. What were you in a past life? Due to the laws of
reincarnation someone/thing very wicked and evil to make me suffer as much as I
have in this life.
9. I punch you. Quick, what do
you do? Curse you into the
ground until you are grovelling at my feet for mercy.
10. When confronted with
Britney Spears, you...?
Curse her into the ground until she’s grovelling at my feet for her mercy. Just
for *breathing*
11. What's your favourite
coffee? Black, no sugar,
caffeine filled.
12. What's your political
perspective? Last time I
considered such matters I nearly got myself killed several times, all of them
painfully. Since then, I have decided to keep my head down.
13. Are you my Angel? No. Get over yourself… Although
Lucius does insist on calling me his dark angel of death.
14. Do you consider yourself a
poet? If required to be
such.
15. What do you want be when
you grow up? I have grown
up and am not at all what I wanted to be.
16. There's a naked man in your
living room. What do you do? Depends. For example, if it were Lucius, I would fuck
him mercilessly. Anyone else would risk being murdered due to my severe
paranoia, especially if I found him there in the morning.
17. How stupid do you think you
are? Stupid
enough.
18. How stupid do other people
think you are? Most people
think I am very stupid. It is most annoying.
19. Who the hell do you think
you are? Someone with appalling luck. Why, who do you think I am?
20. Is the Wonderbra good or
bad? All
round indifference.
21. If you could levitate, whom
would you scare first? I scare enough people from the ground. I
doubt my levitating would increase their fear. And I can already do it.
22. What's your favourite
fruit? General
indifference. Bananas, if not for the flavour, for the
phallic resemblance. And yes, I know that’s childish.
23. Can you feel the love
tonight? Depends where Lucius is.
24. On
a nude beach, you would...?
Leave
25. Make up a story with
yourself: Once upon a time
some bastard fucked one of a long line of wives and produced a son, who someone
named Severus. Severus grew up alone, went to school alone, and was alone all
the way through his lonely life, including when he decided to turn traitor to a
nasty man, and became even more alone than ever before. Then he met Lucius
Malfoy, and was less alone. Story left incomplete. I’m not dead yet, despite
the worthy efforts on many people’s behalf. Probable ending – Severus died
horribly and no one went to his funeral except Dumbledore and Lucius.
26. What do you think about
contemporary art? Indifference. I don’t see why I should be asked to formulate
opinions about things that don’t concern me. So I don’t.
27. Do you like being naked? It depends on where, when and with whom. Generally speaking, no.
28. If we had proof God didn't
exist, what would happen? Nothing. People would stop making wars over the damned thing
and make wars over other things instead. Like ‘is the proof real proof’. Trust
me on this.
29. Do you enjoy cheese whiz? I don’t know, and don’t wish to know what
that is.
30. What's your position on
virginity? Can one have a
position on it? Anyway, I lost it long, long ago.
31. On civil unions: In my experience, are rarely civil.
32. On RuPaul: I do not know what or who “RuPaul” is.
33. On mosquito bites: It’s your own fault for going outside.
34. On bad sitcoms: I do not know what a sitcom is, let alone what a bad one would be.
35. On Fran Drescher: I also do not know what or who Fran
Drescher is. I am assuming this and questions 32 and 34 are all Muggle based.
36. Are you left handed or
right handed? Right.
37. Are you smart? I am smarter than you are for asking me
these damned Muggle based questions.
38. What's your middle name? Severus. I use my middle name as my first.
My first name has shrivelled up and died *shifty looks all round* Nobody will
ever know. Except Lucius, and he laughed. Hysterically.
39. How many personalities do
you have? Two. Informatively dubbed
“Depressed Severus” and “Insecure, Lonely Severus”. I am a result of the
combination. So that, theoretically, makes three. And all my buttons have
personalities too…
40. How many piercing do you
have? None.
41. What was your first word? “Master wants”. I was virtually brought up
by House Elves, thanks to my father’s blissful ignorance of my existence.
42. Are you superstitious? Only about magpies.
I have had bad experiences with magpies.
43. Do you read your horoscope? No
44. Do you believe in that
stuff? Only
from centaurs.
45. Can you do a cartwheel? Why in hell’s name would I want to?
46. Do you have contact lenses? No, I do not need them
47. Do you have a retainer or
braces? No, and never have
done.
48. Can you drive? Yes. But not by Lucius’s standards – I can
go for a whole journey and not run one single Muggle or Mudblood down.
Frightening, isn’t it?
49. Do you snore? No, although apparently I talk, or at
least mutter, in my sleep. I would not know.
50. Do you drool in your sleep? No.
51. Do you lick your envelopes
or use a sponge? On the
rare occasion that I write a letter, I seal it with wax, like any ordinary
wizard...
52. Do you keep a journal? I used to. I stopped about a decade ago. I
mean, what would I write in it now? “Woke up, taught a bunch of imbeciles,
decimalised Gryffindor’s house points, did some marking, went to bed.” For over
ten YEARS? What do you take me for?
53. Do you like onions? Again, I have never before been called
upon to formulate an opinion on such things. I am indifferent.
54. Do you like cotton candy? Never tried it.
55. What instruments can you
play? I can play violin,
viola and piano. It gave me something to do in the summer holidays in my youth.
56. Do you like to dance? No. This does not mean I am bad at it.
57. Do you like to sing? No
58. Are you any good at it? I do not sing. Thus, I do not know if I am
good or bad at it.
59. Do you like to talk on the
phone? No. I am not Arthur
Weasley. See my black hair.
60. Do you like where you live? My dungeons are satisfactory, as is the
small house I own deep in the
61. Are you organized? When I have nothing better to do, yes.
62. Do you sleep with socks on? No. It would be inherently pointless in my
sleeping quarters – I would be cold anyway.
63. Are you shy? I prefer “withdrawn” or even
“introspective”.
64. Do you talk to yourself? No. I love my silence; obsessive talking
is a Lucius trait.
65. Are you a morning person? No. Ask any member of my morning classes,
Slytherin or otherwise.
66. Are you a virgin? Only in my student’s
imaginations.
67. Are you proud of that? Should I be?
68. Do you believe in
reincarnation? No. With
all the bad karma I’ve accumulated in this life I would probably come back as
an ant, at a stretch.
69. Do you believe in God? No, although I do believe in Lucius,
which, in his opinion, equates to more or less the same thing.
70. Do you believe in ghosts? No, the fact that a poltergeist regularly
drops dung bombs in my lessons, and my house members sit down to meals with a
shimmering dead baron, besmeared with blood is just part of a mass
hallucination on my part…
71. Do you believe in Bigfoot? I don’t have reason to. Probably
just giants. I say ‘just’…
72. How old do you wish you
were? My life has been
hell whatever age I’ve been. So I don’t care, since people will still insist on
trying to kill me. Such an annoying tendency, I find.
73. What will you name your
daughter? Seneca. It’s
actually a male name, but since I’m never going to get married or have
children, I fail to see why this matters. Or Raksha, meaning
demon. Don’t asking me how I know these things…
74. Son? Dolohov, also meaning
demon. And then I met
someone with that name and was put off for life. Maybe Cydas.
I’m not sure. But I think Lucifer as a middle name, certainly. I still fail to
see the relevance of these questions to anything...
75. Have you ever thought you
were going die? Yes. And
have done so many, many, *many* times.
76. Where do you want to go? In fear of sounding sentimental, I would
like to go anywhere away from here – with Lucius. Preferably some place cold.
Don’t ever let him get his hands on this questionnaire.
Ever...
1. Been kissed? Yes
2: Done drugs? Yes, though I wouldn’t admit to such
things usually.
3: Eaten an entire box of
Oreos? Given
by a Muggle born student in a time of deep depression, yes. And I didn’t eat anything at all for weeks
afterwards.
4: Been on stage? No.
5: Dumped someone else? Only ever over the edge
of a cliff.
6: Gotten in a car accident? Only ever whilst being
driven by Lucius.
7: Watched "Punky
Brewster"? What do I
have to say to make you realise that I AM NOT A MUGGLE. Or a Mudblood, and
thus, have NO INTEREST in such things.
8: Been in love? Yes, unfortunately for most of my life, if
only I realised it. Now that really did sound tacky…
Favourites...
9: Shampoo: whatever’s there
10: Toothpaste: whatever’s there
11: Soap: whatever’s there
12: Type of soup: I do not formulate favourites in food. I
develop ‘most hated’, which is basically anything cooked by Lucius. The man is
sheer evil in a kitchen. But, if pressed… leek and potato soup is quite nice, I
suppose.
13: Room in your house: At Hogwarts, my office that doubles up as
a library, and a potions lab, and even a sitting room if needs must. And in my house in the forest, Lab 3. Yes, it has three
labs, dammit.
14: Instrument: Viola. Organ, if played by Lucius. Yes,
there’s a memory there.
Either/Or…
15: Coffee or hot chocolate? Coffee
16: Big or little? In reference to what?
Speaking generally big, I suppose.
17: Lace or satin? In what context?
Satin is easier on the eyes. Lace is so… intricate. And ugly.
18: New or old? In what situation?
These are incredibly ill thought out questions...
19: Neve Campbell or Jennifer
Love Hewitt? Two stupid
names if ever I saw one.
20: Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt? Two more undeniably stupid
names.
21: Vogue or Material Girl? Neither is particularly attractive.
Fashion means nothing to me, and I am neither materialistic nor female.
22: Jeans or cords? Trousers. With
lots of buttons, just to annoy Lucius if nothing else...
23: Sweater or sweatshirt? A shirt. But if I
had to choose between the two, I would rather go half naked.
24: T-shirt or tank top? Again, I would rather go half naked. A
plain shirt is all that I require, thank you.
25: Skirt or dress? Totally indifference,
although, thanks to Lucius and MacNair, I have a complete aversion to any kind
of gown.
26: Wool or cotton? Let us consider that fact that I live in a
very cold dungeon. Wool, you moron.
27: Rose or Lily? I have had bad experiences with both.
Gerberas are preferable. Orange ones.
28: The way it is or the way it
was? Either
way I am about to get slaughtered by a screaming morass of vengeful people,
Death Eaters or Aurors.
29: Oldies or pop? Silence.
30: Do you have a
boyfriend/girlfriend? I
think I am too old to be considered to have a “boyfriend”, thus, I shall say
that Lucius is my ‘partner’.
31: Do you have a best friend? That would require me to have friends. I
think Lucius could double up as one…
In the last 24 hours, have
you...
32: Cried? Is that any of your business? No, it’s
not.
33: Helped someone? I have helped Lucius, albeit reluctantly.
34: Bought something? I have been present while Lucius bought
several things, but have bought nothing myself, no.
35: Gotten sick? No.
36: Gone to the movies? Muggle invention.
AGAIN.
37: Gone out for dinner? Does lunch count?
38: Said, "I love
you"? Surprisingly,
yes. Which makes up for the past thirty years or so of not saying it, I
suppose.
39: Written a real letter? No. Nor have I written a false one,
whatever one of those may be.
40: Moved on? Possibly.
41: Talked to an ex? Not in my knowledge, no.
42: Missed an ex? Many, all fleetingly in a manner of
seconds. Nostalgia is more of is nightmare for me, not a golden dream of days
gone by.
43: Written in a journal? No.
44: Talked to someone you have
a crush on? If I can be
considered to have a ‘crush’ on him, yes.
45: Had a serious talk? Yes.
46: Missed someone? Yes, severely.
47: Hugged someone? Been hugged, amazingly. Does that count?
48: Fought with your parents? If he knew who I was, I would probably end
up inducing an argument. It’s this annoying habit I have.
49: Fought with a friend? Again, only if Lucius can be considered to
be my friend.
Do you...
50: Wear eye shadow? … I used to. I had a misspent youth.
51: Put on a "front"? Always.
52: Kiss on the first date? I don’t go on dates. I have many one-night
stands. Most of which I regret the morning after.
53: Have a crush on someone? If you can call it such.
54: Eat with your mouth open? Many things I may be, but ill mannered is
not one of them.
55: If you got a tattoo, where
would you get it, and what would it be? You have no tact at all, do you?
56: What colour is your
floor/carpet in your room?
Stone. With a green rug, if it makes you feel better.
57: What was the last CD you
bought? I do not buy CD’s,
whatever they may be.
58: How did you spend last
summer? Marking and
murdering small defenceless animals.
59: When was the last time you
took a shower? Umm.
Yesterday. It was more of an argument than a shower I seem to recall.
60: Are you tired? Yes.
61: Are you lonely? I have been lonely all my life. Now is a
surprising exclusion of this.
62: Are you happy? Almost never.
63: Are you wearing pyjamas? No.
64: Are you talking to someone
online? What is online?
65: What are the initials of
your crush/interest/spouse?
As though you really need to ask. LM.
66: What is your astrological
sign? Virgo
67: What is the sign of your
crush/interest/spouse?
Scorpio. Don’t ask me how I know these things, I just *do*
68: What time is it? Witching Hour. Midnight, in other words.
That wasn't so bad, was it? If that’s what you want to believe then
don’t let me disillusion you…